family matters.

I have come to a crossroad, my friends, and I am not sure which way to turn. As spring approaches, so does my graduation from my Master's program and a series of decisions on where to go from here. I have always been a planner, laying out the next step (and often the 4,598,761 next steps) of my life. This predisposition to schematically determine the course of my life has been both my success and my downfall. On one hand, it has helped me accomplish the many feats of my young life, but on the other, it has caused me to live a good deal of my life strategically rather than impulsively and has been a source of much anxiety in times when the "plan" is threatened. As a proponent of change, I feel as though I have lived much of my life in hypocrisy, clinging to the remains of my life's blueprints even as they crumble before me - holding on to relationships that are broken, dwelling on past mistakes and "could have beens" that can never be undone. And so I have spent the past year of my life, trying hard as I could to go with the flow and live in the moment. I have found, though, that this also takes you only so far, and I rapidly approach this unwanted crossroad where a decision must be made, a path be carved out. For the first time in my life, I am finding myself unsure of which way to go, which path to take. I feel myself being pulled in several directions, each with a vast array of consequences. The choice before me is wrought with emotion... do I choose the preset path I already had laid out for myself or dare to veer off course? If I choose the preordained future, I will be going where my heart longs to be, but I will also be leaving behind people I love desperately, people who need me. My heart will feel a loss either way, so I am not sure what to do. What do you think?