scalded.

I find it funny how we swear we will learn from life's little lessons only to find ourselves years later, still caught in the same bad routines we've always followed... hence the maxims "old habits die hard" and "you can't teach an old dog new tricks." I assuredly am no exception to the rule, but I am also no dog and certainly not an old one. So why don't I learn? I found myself sitting here, in the crowded common room of the Graduate School of Education, stuck in a terribly embarrassing, depressing moment of self-realization. When I disclose the contents of this revelation you are going to laugh at its triviality, but I must insist that it was an earth-shattering experience for me. I recall the words of a poem written at a very painful time in my life...

untitled. 

the first sip of tea scalds my mouth

and i feel my tongue go numb.

deadened. senseless. 

if only i had waited, delayed gratification just this once maybe 

the taste would linger still. 

but i fall in love so fast so hard 

and act on impulse every time 

ready to taste something that isn't quite ready for me yet. 

senses dulled, burnt and scarred, 

i will remember to wait next time. 

i will never forget to wait 

again.

As I sit here, with my poor, rueful little tongue throbbing with pain, scorched by the hot tea I carelessly quaffed just moments ago, I am reminded of these words... What happened to never forgetting to wait? Admittedly, this poem was not written for the sole purpose of expressing frustration over my hastiness in imbibing piping hot beverages (though I am guilty as charged), in fact, that was a moot point in the overall meaning... but it is a sharp, cruel reminder that I seem trapped in a self that does not satisfy me. Why am I yet trussed to these undesirable peculiarities, these seemingly inevitable blunders stuck on repeat? I refuse to believe that I am constrained by the person I do not want to be... so why do I lay here still, heavy with the weight of my fetters? Why am I bound by these inexorable chains? I am tired and weary of old patterns, these pathetic tendencies. I need a new getaway plan, the first measure of which is to find an escape artist for an accomplice. Who's in?