on seeking contentment...

She says, "But in contentment I still feel

The need of some imperishable bliss."

Death is the mother of beauty; hence from her,

Alone, shall come fulfillment to our dreams

And our desires.

- Wallace Stevens, Sunday Morning

I am fortunate enough to be in the middle of spring break and to have just spent a nice long stretch with Doug and his family, celebrating the Easter holiday and visiting some dear friends.  I am a lucky girl in general: to have my health, my family, my education... to have seen the places I have seen and to have read the books I've read... to be in love with a wonderful man and to have his love in return.  God has been generous to me and I have more than some people could ever dream of, yet I still dream and often find it hard (sometimes almost unbearable) to be happy in the here and now.  This has been a struggle of mine for quite some time and it has become increasingly challenging the older I get.  I am, however, writing this post after what I consider to be a truly revelatory past few days.  I hope that in my new awareness I will be able to start down a path that involves more appreciation for where I am, and I hope that in reading this you might be able to help me down that path...

I love my family.  Each individual in my immediate family (and many in my extended family) has played a part in crafting the creature that I am today and has continuously challenged me to be a better person.  I am forever grateful for their contributions to my life and look with anticipation to the years to come.  This life journey, though, has not been an easy one.  The home of my childhood was one of discontent.  Despite the love, laughter, and emotion that undoubtedly flowed throughout my household when I was young, there lacked a sense of fulfillment that brings safety and security to a young child.  I cannot remember a time when the individuals in my family truly radiated a sense of inner happiness, of contentment with their lives.  It seemed that there was always something missing... the winning lottery ticket, the dream makeover, the new car.  Something was keeping us from having our "perfect" life.  Growing up in such a home, where no one was truly satisfied with how things were - where no one was truly satisfied with me - was difficult.  I began creating my own dream world where I could be happy, where I could escape the disappointment and depression that surrounded me, a place where I brought joy to everyone, where I cared for them and kept them safe.  In doing so, I thought I was finding my own true sense happiness, but what I am realizing now is that I was simply continuing a tradition... of learning to only be happy in a place that does not exist, a place in the future and just out of reach.

Over the years, this dream world evolved.  What started out as a simple hope for a family and a home has become a detailed vision of farms and flowers, babies and holiday feasts, dogs and dresses.  In the best of times, the dream has something to look forward to, the "reward" for my years of hard work.  In the worst of times, it has been the one thing that keeps me going, the light at the end of the tunnel.  Every year of my life that has gone by, every milestone that has been reached, has simply been viewed as one step closer to that dream, the time I will finally be happy.  Other than fleeting moments of joy or peace, I can scarce remember a time that I actually felt content with where I was in life - rather, I have always checked accomplishments off my growing list while impatiently looking ahead to see how much longer I have to go until I have the life I always wanted.  The older I get, the more hopeless I feel - watching friends get married, holding other people's babies in my arms, failing to save money that might bring a house.  It is miserable.  Sometimes the life I want feels so far away, so impossible, that I wish I could just sleep to pass the time rather than wait in agony.

Then came the epiphany.  I must say, I think I am prone to epiphanies.  After a restless night, more than a few tears, a traffic jam, and a good conversation with a friend, it hit me: the problem isn't that the world is not giving me the life I want, it's that I never learned to love the life that I have, which is terribly sad because my life is pretty damn good.  I have never been a patient person, but I am trying so very hard to remind myself that I am the most fortunate person I know.  I am surrounded by people who love me.  I have a great job that allows me to learn something new every day and to help others grow.  I am with a man who completes and compliments me in ways I never thought possible.  No matter what life I end up with, be it the one I have always dreamed of or something completely unimagined, I know I will look back with regret if I do not begin to savor every precious moment that I am given and learn to slow down.  I want to learn, more than anything; the purpose of this post is to help remind me to do so.  One of my friends recently joked to me that the first step in a recovery program is to admit you have a problem.  So, here goes nothing...

My name is Jenna Leigh, and I am a dreamer.  I love dreams, and I believe that everyone should have them, but I dream so much that I do not know how to be happy where I am.  I want to change, and I hope you will help me.  Baby steps :)