clean sweep.

Is it just me, or do I already feel the "winter blues" coming on and it isn't even winter. Anyone else?

The holidays are a challenging time for my family and I. Two years ago, my precious Gram passed away on Thanksgiving morning. This December marks the fourth anniversary of my mother's death, just a week before Christmas. Holiday cheer is mixed with bittersweet memories, tears, and the encroaching feeling of emptiness. I already feel myself losing momentum, spending extra hours in bed, my eyes puffy from the lingering saline... I also feel myself losing the energy and inspiration to write. My Douglas, sweet man that he is, softly and cautiously brought up the fact that there seems to be a recurring motif in my blog as of late - and not in a good way. I could not agree more. I seem to be stuck in this redundant cycle of anxiety-ridden inactivity and frenzied goal-setting. One day I am completely overwhelmed with all there is to do and the next I am promising to get back on the wagon and conquer my dreams. I am sure you have noticed it, too, my dear reader. One moment I am lamenting all there is to do, the never-ending deficiency of time, and the next I am trying to reclaim my spirit, determined to forge ahead. This time of year, however, I end up doing a lot more faltering than forging...

So here I am (yet again) attempting to regroup and recapture that joie de vivre that I continually find myself lacking. I want to feel good, inside and out, I want to set off on those adventures that I dream of day in and day out. I want to rebuild the relationships that I see struggling to survive. I want to wake up and feel energetic instead of defensive against that dread that seems to rise in my stomach for absolutely no reason at all. I need to do some serious "spring cleaning," so to speak, even though it is November. My physical, emotional, and spiritual self just needs a fresh start. Is anyone else ready for this year to be over?

I have decided, as a result, to try a short fast over this upcoming holiday break as a physiological attempt to practice this "out with the old, in with the new" mentality. I have never fasted for more than one day, so my commitment to a three-day fast is a bit intimidating/invigorating/exciting/unnerving. I have yet to settle on a specific fast, so I am looking for some feedback. My father is a big fan of the "lemonade cleanse," but I do not know if I want to bombard my bloodstream with maple syrup and I think I might get tired of the same drink for 72 hours straight. My inclination was to try a raw juice cleanse, so that I can give myself a little bit of nourishment and variety while I give my digestive system a break. Of course, I will be engorging myself with the delicious turkey my cousin is preparing for the holiday, so juicing will allow me to transition into the fast instead of simply going cold turkey after the Thanksgiving binge (pun intended). Does anyone have any tips of the trade they would like to offer? Any fasts/cleanses you would recommend? I am all ears. I know not everyone supports the idea of fasting, but I have a strong interest in alternative medicine and I have several family members and friends who have had great results from cleansing, so try to keep your feedback positive :)

In the spirit of cleansing, I also forced myself to put my Christmas shopping on hold for a little while so that I can take care of my own needs. I purchased a five-class package from my local Bikram yoga studio so that I can bathe in the sweaty glory that is hot yoga. I mentioned in an earlier post that I was able to receive a promotional trial at the studio for one week of Bikram classes but failed to follow up with my reaction. Despite the pounding heart rate and intense perspiration (really, even after playing soccer and frisbee in the summer heat, I have never sweat this much in my life!) I have to say that I absolutely LOVED hot yoga. I felt so fresh and healthy after an hour-long class, it was incredible. Not so incredible, however, was the cost of the classes. Averaging between $20-25 per class, the classes are definitely a strain on my budget. At this point, however, I believe that it is something I really want to do for my overall wellbeing, so I thought the five-class package would be a nice treat for myself, with one class per week to take me into the new year.

This Thanksgiving, I am especially thankful for forgiveness. It is incredibly humbling to know that I can slip up as often as I do and still be sure there is firm ground beneath me when I am ready to stand up again. Thank you for being there, despite the constant setbacks, despite the failure and the redundancy, despite the winter blues. I won't forget it.