All Apologies.

Just a brief note to express my regret to my imaginary readers for not posting as often as I should. I have entered an alternate universe known as Graduate Hell, a place where sleep, personal enjoyment and leisure all cease to exist. I should be returning from this disastrous trip in about a week and promise to bore you with my many philosophical notions and contemplations of life... until then, please forgive me. I miss you, too.

don't it always seem to go

I'm not sure what to say this afternoon. I can't even quite put words to how I am feeling. Listless? Despondent? I don't know...

It has been raining for four days straight. Usually I would be thrilled; I love the rain. I love the sound of the rain, the smell of it, the feeling of raindrops hitting your face, like soft, cool love pecks on your cheeks. I love to walk in the rain, dance in it, and I especially love to kiss in it... but today I just wish it would go away. I am in desperate need of some sunshine. I have been quite blue the past day or two. I miss my mum, and lately I cannot shake her from my mind. I miss her so much.

Seated precariously atop my lofty desk chair, I curl up over my steaming mug of tea, desperately trying to garner some of its warmth. I am soaked through to the bone after walking the seven waterlogged blocks from 30th Street Station to Biddle. Sitting here in the all-too-typically frigid library, I am a pneumonic disaster waiting to happen. The last thing I need is to catch cold; I had the flu all last week and it set me back light years in my work. We have reached midterm and let me tell you: graduate school is no joke. I have not slept in what seems like ages (four days would probably be accurate) and I am bloody exhausted. Drowning in a sea of papers and pedagogical theory, I am not sure how I am to survive the rest of fall term. All the tooth-brushing in the world could not keep up with these coffee stains, and I alternate between constant states of caffeine-induced neurosis and a zombie-like stupor. Tomorrow morning I take on full responsibility within my classroom assignment. I am not in the least bit intimidated by the teaching itself, as I have taught before and I think it suits me well, but I am quite worried about the additional obligations and workload. I barely have time to breathe, let alone take on lesson planning, grading, record-keeping and all of the other lovely behind-the-scenes tasks a teacher must complete. I am very anxious as to how I am going to manage my time, I'm afraid I may unravel. Oy vey :(

I wish Mumma was here. She was in no way orderly or structured, in fact she was a bit of a chaotic mess, but she always knew how to put me back together when I was out of sorts. She had this strikingly calming effect on me, something few people have been able to replicate. I used to spend hours on the phone with her, sharing my life, my adventures, my troubles. She was my source of strength. I know I am resilient, I know that I can get through this, but the journey is a bit more wearisome without her. I know she wants me to be a trooper, and I am abashed by my constant complaining, but some days it is hard to breathe. She was my best friend.

Have you ever lost anything, reader? This year has been filled with loss for me. I guess the important thing to remember is that I have also gained so much from this process. I have learned more about myself in the past ten months than I believe I have in the 24 years I have been alive. I have grown in ways that I never imagined, and I have proved that I am capable of so many things. Some days, though, that just doesn't feel like enough. I wish I could go back; I wish I could go back and tell her how much she meant to me. I hope she knew... I hope you know. Never leave anything unsaid, because you don't know what you have until it is gone. I've learned that the hard way. Have you? Do you know what it's like to have unspoken words trapped in your throat, asphyxiating your heart, your soul? It is a wretched feeling; I hope you never experience it.

Oh, bother... I could use some affinity. I have been so unbearably busy I have had no time for interaction and my spirits are suffering. Tell me things. Everything. A penny for your thoughts. I am in need of some discourse, intimacy, connection. I wonder about you, you know - the mysterious stranger come to read my innermost thoughts, cheering me on, or perhaps, wishing me harm. A bit creepy I must say... kidding. But seriously, I love you. I wish you were here right now. We would hold hands and walk to a coffee shop and talk for hours. I'd like that :)

the very best of policies.

Main Entry: hon·es·ty
Function: noun
2a: fairness and straightforwardness of conduct

Goethe said "what is uttered from the heart alone will win the hearts of others to your own." Now, I am not certain that being honest will win you any such love or admiration, but I can attest that it feels fantastic. To reference the age-old cliché, the truth really does set you free.

I recently was compelled to bare my soul (if you will) to someone who has been swimming around my brain for what has felt like ages. There wasn't any particular motivation in mind, no expectation of anything in return, but for some reason or another I just had to let it (the "truth") out. I have to say - I feel great! I know that nothing will come of my honesty, no hearts will be "won," no mountains moved; but just knowing that I put myself out there, that I was completely true to my heart, is a sensation I would not trade for anything in the world.

To quote one of my favorite songs from one of my favorite bands:
It is true what you say,
that I live like a hermit in my own head,
but when the sun shines again
I'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in.


Although writing a pseudo-autobiographical/self-explorative blog would suggest the contrary, I actually keep mostly to myself. For every thought that I share there are countless more that go unspoken. I wander the earth as a waif, unclaimed and unaccompanied, and for the most part, I am happy with that. My ever-running mind entertains me with dreams and schemes and ponderings. But, I suppose, it is necessary to let go of my reclusive ways and open up every now and then (right?). My recent avowal was a small attempt at letting some "light" in. And, boy, do I feel light!

Since I seem to be on a quotation kick, it won't hurt to mention that Thomas Jefferson said honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom. Now, I don't know if I feel any wiser, but given my recent focus on the pursuit of wisdom and growth, I am quite happy to embrace this idea. Whatever the case may be, I can tell you, reader, that I feel joyful, liberated and at peace. So whether honesty brings you love, freedom, or sagacity: speak true, and speak free. I did, and it has made all the difference, dear. I tell you true :)

a gray sky, a bitter sting.

Today is a gray and blustery sort of day. The radiant yellow leaves of a nearby tree provide a striking contrast to the achromatic, misty sky as I stare out the window across from my perch at the circulation desk. I draw my sweater in tighter as a light shower begins to fall outside, as if the library itself was experiencing the same chilly precipitation indoors. What a morning. I have spent the past three days sick in bed and, somehow, I mustered up the strength to trudge my way onto campus after a not-so-restful night. Being sick, truly sick, and alone for the first time in years has not been a pleasant experience. I remember all too well the grape-flavored beverages and forehead kisses of the not so distant past. I remember when being sick, or caring for a sick loved one, seemed less enervating because it was faced with a companion. I remember making AirBorne and hot tea with honey and grilled cheese and watching movies 'til we both fell asleep. I remember the unparalleled comfort and healing of another warm body in the bed. Now, the only one sharing my covers is an eye-less bear in a worn, red t-shirt who says about as much as you've said to me lately: not a word. It's just a sad day, I suppose. I know better than to feel sorry for myself, but knowing and feeling and doing are all quite different... Anyway, I did not really have anything to say today, so I apologize. In a little while I will take a walk out in the rain and sip some tea and listen to the Decemberists and all will suddenly feel right in the world again. For now, the forecast is just a bit of broken-heartedness. Better tomorrow, I promise.

curiosity, kitten

The air is vibrant and crisp tonight, saturated with the perfume of autumn. I take a stroll down 34th Street and around the Campus Green, my iPhone jiggling in the pocket of my cousin's over-sized sweatpants, a warm cup of chai clasped lovingly between my two hands. It is October, my favorite month of the year, and I feel incredibly passionate today. I can feel the thirst for more streaming through my veins, each pulsating heartbeat enhancing the cascade. What a day to be alive! Something about today is just, well, just wonderful. I had the lovely opportunity of exploring Narberth a bit this morning, something that I, regrettably, get very little time to do with my chaotic, grown-up graduate school lifestyle. I love to explore. My sense of inquiry and wonder can never be satiated, and I continually find myself in awe of the world that surrounds me and longing for more of it. There is so much that I want to see, touch, taste, hear, feel... Today it was the cold, metal quarter inserts of the vintage launderette downtown, the welcoming, wooden pews of the local Presbyterian church, and some sweet schnecken from a village corner store. I wish I had more time to indulge my curiosity. We often spend time dreaming of the exotic, while so much of what surrounds us goes unexamined. I have been working on my autumnal mission (see: "hello, life.") and, while I have in no way stumbled upon the meaning of life or even conquered my own backyard, for that matter, I am quite happy with the progress that I have made thus far. Today, for the first time, I made it my goal to pay very close attention to the facial expressions of those around me. What a difference this has made! Did you ever notice how you can pass hundreds of other human beings in your day without ever looking a single one in the eye, without even noticing his/her face? Even when we do, more often than not it is with a passing glance or an unconscious gander. I realized that by taking the time to look toward the face of everyone I interacted with, and even some of those I did not, that my entire day was experienced differently. I felt more in tune with humanity, a sense of communion and connection with those around me. It was quite wonderful, actually. The kindness in someone's smile. The pain behind a pair of sad eyes. All the little details that bond us to one another, that help shed a little light on the mystery that lies within each of us... how amazing! It saddens me to think of how narcissistic our society is, and I am no exception. I encourage you to break through the self-centered cycle we have cradled ourselves in; just look around you. It is incredible what a little curiosity can do, and I have a feeling that I have years and years before it kills this kitten.

mixed up, muddled up

Everyone makes mistakes.
That's what they tell us, right? So, why do we still get so bogged down by them? I don't know about you, but when I stray from the path I beat myself up over it for days, weeks, years even... Well, I have made a mistake. Again. (Big surprise.) Not just a simple little human mistake, but something completely out of character, something that hurts and saddens and embarrasses me. "Everybody makes mistakes." "Nobody's perfect." Why is it we hold onto adages like this yet continue to strive for perfection and ruin ourselves over all the little bumps along the way? The remorse, contrition, is choking me; I can feel regretful fingers closing round my throat. But why? For what reason? Where is the growth in all of this? A sour taste lingers and I am waiting for revelation, for deliverance. I know I have to let it go, but I feel imprisoned. Is there hope of escape?

I have been reading from Proverbs lately, which focuses on the pursuit of wisdom and a righteous life. At first, it made me feel much worse - I am quite far from "wise" at this point - but I think I missed the greater meaning. Anyone can obtain knowledge, but wisdom comes through experience and growth, and not all experiences are pleasant. Something I personally struggle with is the preoccupation with the prize, the destination, rather than focusing on the journey. Every step I take off the path makes my goal seem that much further out of reach. I have left myself very little room to learn and grow, because I am too concerned with how much I feel like a failure. The important thing to remember, is that every step taken backwards (even a big one) can be followed by countless strides forward. While I may have stumbled on my way to uncovering and personifying the girl that I want to become, there is no reason I cannot pick myself up and continue on. (Right?) Maybe my best shot at enlightenment is actually embracing the fact that I will never be perfect, and that while these "mistakes" are never desired, they can be turned into a positive.

I am trying to refocus myself on the beauty that surrounds me. I find so much peace and comfort (and hope) in autumn. The seasons remind me that life is a growth process, ever-changing and adapting. Like the world, like the plants and people I pass every day as I wander the streets of Narberth and Philadelphia, I am a work in progress. There is no need to let one mistake define me. So, a long day of lamentation will come to its end with hot cups of tea and crafts and a plethora of books and words and things that I love. Things that help me remember who I want to be... I am sorry, world, for letting you down, for not being my best. You deserve the best. But everyone does make mistakes, and I have proven this true. I forgot myself, but now I've returned. Please know that I have picked myself up and, though quivering and a bit unsure, I am determined to move forward, headstrong. Hold my hand or get out of my way.