I'm not sure what to say this afternoon. I can't even quite put words to how I am feeling. Listless? Despondent? I don't know...
It has been raining for four days straight. Usually I would be thrilled; I love the rain. I love the sound of the rain, the smell of it, the feeling of raindrops hitting your face, like soft, cool love pecks on your cheeks. I love to walk in the rain, dance in it, and I especially love to kiss in it... but today I just wish it would go away. I am in desperate need of some sunshine. I have been quite blue the past day or two. I miss my mum, and lately I cannot shake her from my mind. I miss her so much.
Seated precariously atop my lofty desk chair, I curl up over my steaming mug of tea, desperately trying to garner some of its warmth. I am soaked through to the bone after walking the seven waterlogged blocks from 30th Street Station to Biddle. Sitting here in the all-too-typically frigid library, I am a pneumonic disaster waiting to happen. The last thing I need is to catch cold; I had the flu all last week and it set me back light years in my work. We have reached midterm and let me tell you: graduate school is no joke. I have not slept in what seems like ages (four days would probably be accurate) and I am bloody exhausted. Drowning in a sea of papers and pedagogical theory, I am not sure how I am to survive the rest of fall term. All the tooth-brushing in the world could not keep up with these coffee stains, and I alternate between constant states of caffeine-induced neurosis and a zombie-like stupor. Tomorrow morning I take on full responsibility within my classroom assignment. I am not in the least bit intimidated by the teaching itself, as I have taught before and I think it suits me well, but I am quite worried about the additional obligations and workload. I barely have time to breathe, let alone take on lesson planning, grading, record-keeping and all of the other lovely behind-the-scenes tasks a teacher must complete. I am very anxious as to how I am going to manage my time, I'm afraid I may unravel. Oy vey :(
I wish Mumma was here. She was in no way orderly or structured, in fact she was a bit of a chaotic mess, but she always knew how to put me back together when I was out of sorts. She had this strikingly calming effect on me, something few people have been able to replicate. I used to spend hours on the phone with her, sharing my life, my adventures, my troubles. She was my source of strength. I know I am resilient, I know that I can get through this, but the journey is a bit more wearisome without her. I know she wants me to be a trooper, and I am abashed by my constant complaining, but some days it is hard to breathe. She was my best friend.
Have you ever lost anything, reader? This year has been filled with loss for me. I guess the important thing to remember is that I have also gained so much from this process. I have learned more about myself in the past ten months than I believe I have in the 24 years I have been alive. I have grown in ways that I never imagined, and I have proved that I am capable of so many things. Some days, though, that just doesn't feel like enough. I wish I could go back; I wish I could go back and tell her how much she meant to me. I hope she knew... I hope you know. Never leave anything unsaid, because you don't know what you have until it is gone. I've learned that the hard way. Have you? Do you know what it's like to have unspoken words trapped in your throat, asphyxiating your heart, your soul? It is a wretched feeling; I hope you never experience it.
Oh, bother... I could use some affinity. I have been so unbearably busy I have had no time for interaction and my spirits are suffering. Tell me things. Everything. A penny for your thoughts. I am in need of some discourse, intimacy, connection. I wonder about you, you know - the mysterious stranger come to read my innermost thoughts, cheering me on, or perhaps, wishing me harm. A bit creepy I must say... kidding. But seriously, I love you. I wish you were here right now. We would hold hands and walk to a coffee shop and talk for hours. I'd like that :)
How are you faring nine days later? By the way, Fancy Pants is Mark Ettore. This may seem like a random comment, but you asked and I felt compelled to respond. I have not felt what you have been through the past 10 months in my life. yet. i have not lost any loved ones close to me. although recently i've worried about it. today i was thinking what would happen if my mom lost her memory and what I would do. I've tried hugging her more and being around more. like even a shoulder squeeze here and there so i can make sure that I remember her alive. have i had any significant loss? no, not yet. I guess I'm not the best person to commiserate with because I can't share that with you. My initial reaction would be to run more, workout or something like that. It sounds like school has been keeping you busy, hopefully in a good way. What do you do when you need to release? Do you read? Do you sing, something of the sort? I read Harry Potter actually, to be quite honest...lame I know. But it's such a nice escape to a place that has absolutely nothing to do with real life. Well anyway, I hope you're doing alright, and I hope today's rain was a nice rain.
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