mixed up, muddled up

Everyone makes mistakes.
That's what they tell us, right? So, why do we still get so bogged down by them? I don't know about you, but when I stray from the path I beat myself up over it for days, weeks, years even... Well, I have made a mistake. Again. (Big surprise.) Not just a simple little human mistake, but something completely out of character, something that hurts and saddens and embarrasses me. "Everybody makes mistakes." "Nobody's perfect." Why is it we hold onto adages like this yet continue to strive for perfection and ruin ourselves over all the little bumps along the way? The remorse, contrition, is choking me; I can feel regretful fingers closing round my throat. But why? For what reason? Where is the growth in all of this? A sour taste lingers and I am waiting for revelation, for deliverance. I know I have to let it go, but I feel imprisoned. Is there hope of escape?

I have been reading from Proverbs lately, which focuses on the pursuit of wisdom and a righteous life. At first, it made me feel much worse - I am quite far from "wise" at this point - but I think I missed the greater meaning. Anyone can obtain knowledge, but wisdom comes through experience and growth, and not all experiences are pleasant. Something I personally struggle with is the preoccupation with the prize, the destination, rather than focusing on the journey. Every step I take off the path makes my goal seem that much further out of reach. I have left myself very little room to learn and grow, because I am too concerned with how much I feel like a failure. The important thing to remember, is that every step taken backwards (even a big one) can be followed by countless strides forward. While I may have stumbled on my way to uncovering and personifying the girl that I want to become, there is no reason I cannot pick myself up and continue on. (Right?) Maybe my best shot at enlightenment is actually embracing the fact that I will never be perfect, and that while these "mistakes" are never desired, they can be turned into a positive.

I am trying to refocus myself on the beauty that surrounds me. I find so much peace and comfort (and hope) in autumn. The seasons remind me that life is a growth process, ever-changing and adapting. Like the world, like the plants and people I pass every day as I wander the streets of Narberth and Philadelphia, I am a work in progress. There is no need to let one mistake define me. So, a long day of lamentation will come to its end with hot cups of tea and crafts and a plethora of books and words and things that I love. Things that help me remember who I want to be... I am sorry, world, for letting you down, for not being my best. You deserve the best. But everyone does make mistakes, and I have proven this true. I forgot myself, but now I've returned. Please know that I have picked myself up and, though quivering and a bit unsure, I am determined to move forward, headstrong. Hold my hand or get out of my way.