a momentary lapse of reason

Have you ever noticed how quickly things can turn from good (great, even) to absolutely horrible? The past few days have been quite exemplary of this. Everything seems to go wrong all at once - the key word in that statement being "seems." To be frank, I have nothing to complain about. I have seen real suffering and my situation does not even compare - death and disease will do that to you. Now, if only I could see thestrals!! (Sorry, had to throw that in there. If you're a Harry Potter fan, you'll understand.) Anyway, everything does feel like it all falls apart at the same time, doesn't it?

It has just been one of "those" days. School work, student teaching, body image, loneliness... everything seems to come crashing down simultaneously. Something really threw me off this weekend. My angelic sister came to visit me and we had a lovely time. The minute she left, though, I felt... I don't know. Vulnerable. Then something, someone, came in for the kill. Well, that is not entirely accurate; I let them in for the kill, and they just took full advantage. The days following were a disaster. I could not sleep, could not concentrate - I wish I could say that I could not eat, but that wasn't the case. But daily tasks seemed overwhelming, mountainous. It is funny how quickly we give up on ourselves. Life is strange that way, but I am slowly learning how to put it all into perspective. Not to say that I do not still have my days where I fall to pieces. Believe me, I do. I would not be writing this if I thought myself to be invincible. I am just learning how to pick myself up and put all of the pieces back together at a much quicker, more efficient pace.

The original purpose of this blog was to encourage my own life experience and exploration of the world, to remind me to take on adventure and seize the day. I realize now that it has become a log of positivity as well, a way to remind myself how precious life is and how little cause I have to complain. I am blessed with supporters, with opportunities, and even just the fundamental (yet oft-overlooked) gift of life. I hope the optimism isn't overkill. I would hate to give the impression that I am forever cheerful. Quite the opposite in fact. I have my dark days, some maybe darker than you have ever experienced. I get angry, overwhelmed, frustrated, lonely, confused, self-loathing, depressed... just like anyone, maybe worse. But I am tired of feeling sorry for myself, as I witness so many Americans, so many people, doing. When I put things into perspective, when I think about the real pain and suffering that exists in the world, I realize how self-centered and ungrateful I can be, and I make myself sick. I apologize for this lapse in reason, in focus. While I cannot promise that it will never do it again, I can say that I intend to try, and this blog helps serve as a little reminder to me. I hope it will remind you, too.

hello, stranger.

What a beautiful day.

Really, words cannot express how happy the autumn makes me. I am in constant awe and admiration of the magnificence of Mother Nature and today is just one of those remarkable days where I walk around with a smile pasted on my face, just because. Do you ever get that irrepressible feeling of pure joy over seemingly nothing? An inexplainable sense of euphoria, exhiliration, that just could not be suppressed? Your cheeks tingle, like when you pop a sour candy in the side of your mouth, and you cannot bear to hold back that overwhelming need to grin. Your heart leaps and you just feel light and giddy, almost elfin or childlike. Today is just that sort of day... the air is crisp and full with the fresh scent of September. It is chilly enough for rich-colored sweaters and the toasty, woolen scarf I just finished knitting, but the sun is beaming and plants a soft, rosy kiss on my cheeks. I cannot get enough. It is a day for heartwarming cups of red wine and mulled cider. It is a day for laughter and deep conversation. And it is especially a day for long walks and people-watching.

People-watching is among my most favorite pastimes. Side by side with my dear sister, Sara, I stroll the sprightly streets of Philadelphia, in search of amusement and inspiration. I do not have to look hard; I find the human species to be simply fascinating. Today the streets are abound with humanity, people out soaking up this beautiful, sunny Saturday. Traipsing down Walnut Street at a leisurely gait, we pass lovers on park benches, coworkers lunching at sidewalk cafés, collegians casually smoking cigarettes outside coffee shops. Sara and I smile at them and try to imagine some romantic lifestyle for each and every one as we walk by. Deep, abiding love stories. Quarrels over who forgot to take out the trash. Scandalous affairs. I suppose we will never know, but I still enjoy scheming up vignettes of other people's lives.

Have you ever thought about it? How other people are, and always will be, utter enigmas? There is a Charles Dickens quote that pertains to this, and it is one of my favorites:

“A wonderful fact to reflect upon, that every human creature is constituted to be that profound secret and mystery to every other.”

Indeed. It is amazing, isn't it? The stranger sitting across from you on the train. Your colleague or classmate. Your sister or brother. Even your spouse. No matter how well you think you know someone, you can never truly get inside his/her thoughts, emotions. Human existence is a concept that never ceases to blow my mind. We are so interconnected, so kindred as human beings, and yet so completely alone. We all think, we all breathe, we all feel, and yet no two creatures share the same experiences or interpretations. This is why I am so enthralled with expression, with art, with words, because they are all we have to bridge the gaps between our own individual realities. I fall in love with strangers every day, just knowing that they have their own lives, families, passions, and fears that I know absolutely nothing about. This world is incredible and I could not be any happier to be alive and experiencing it, trying to piece together all the fragments that I will never really understand. I wonder who is out there trying to guess my life story. Could it be you?

hello, life.

The Biddle Law Library is quite dead as I sit here manning (or "woman-ning?") the circulation desk. In fact, the quiescence is so deafening I believe the entire building can hear me munching away at my bag of baby carrots, each crunch echoing loudly over the unoccupied tables and chairs. I have been sitting here at this desk for coming on nine hours now, and still have two more to go before I can head back out onto the noisy streets of Philadelphia. I am wondering whether the lack of patrons is due to it being the weekend, or if it could be related to the fact that the climate of the library seems to be reaching subarctic levels. For the extent of my day I have been fantasizing about the cardigan and hot cup of coffee I will be seeking the minute my shift ends. What a way to spend one's Saturday!

If you haven't guessed, fall term has come crashing in full-swing. My recently languorous schedule has been filled to the brim with student teaching, graduate classes, coursework, studying, commuting, appointments, and yes, lots and lots of "desk-sitting." Not that I am complaining. I am so content with my bustling little life, I could just use a few more coffee breaks. And maybe a donut (strawberry frosted, of course). In the meantime, I am embracing every moment of free time that I have, whether it be by taking some photographs, wandering to the local farmer's market, writing letters to a few of my favorites, or simply bundling up in sweatpants and swaddling myself with blankets on the couch. I relish in those moments. Unfortunately, life does not give you a second chance to go back and enjoy the little things, so I revel in them every opportunity I get. This is something I learned far too late...

Someone once scolded me for not being thankful for the little things that blessed each and every one of my days. What a wise friend. I have always enjoyed the pleasure brought on by life's oft-missed details but never fully appreciated how lucky I was to experience them; the gratitude was lacking. I have always been conscious of the "little" things, which I suppose is more than some can say, but now I cherish them. My sister's laugh. The taste of warm bread and butter. A trip to the bakery and a chat with a close companion. I realize now that it is life's minutiae that really make me tick. I am forever grateful to this friend, for his sagacity and candor, for making me realize my absentmindedness.

If I have a mission or motif this autumn, it is to pay as much attention and appreciation to life's subtleties as I do to its grandiosities. I have discovered that there is equal adventure to be found in my own backyard as there is the whole world round. I have set off on such an escapade, rediscovering the magnificence that makes up every single day. Today I am braving a subarctic library. Who knows tomorrow will bring? I am ready for whatever comes my way. You can be, too.

Hello, life. What do you have planned for me next?

so long, sweet summer.

Bed is a wonderful place; it really is. That's the first thing that comes to mind as I crawl beneath the dappled, motley pattern of my patchwork quilt. What a wonderful day. Today was (is, at least for the next two hours) Labor Day, marking the unofficial end of summer. Tomorrow I begin fall term at Penn, what is sure to be an adventurous and frenzied semester. I have always been quite sedulous, running around all day, sometimes aimless and frantic like a chicken with her head cut off, but this is the first time that I am actually worried about whether or not I am capable of all that I have to do. To be honest, I hit quite a low point the last week, overwhelmed with fear that I am neither prepared nor competent enough to handle the nonstop workload that is to come in the next few days and continue on 'til Christmas. I am feeling much better today. That isn't to say I have no more doubts or worries, but after what was a very refreshing, enlightening weekend, I feel quite optimistic and encouraged. My wonderful family came to visit me in Narberth for the holiday, and their support and smiles were exactly the remedy I needed to cure me of my pessimism. Really, my mum would be disappointed if she knew how negative and defeated I have felt over the past few weeks. But, chin up! Tomorrow marks the (unofficial) beginning of a new season, a new term, and an ever-evolving, ever-blossoming new me. I am so thankful to have the family that I have, who pick me up when I am down, and offer me the (million) chances that I need to try again (and again and again) before I get it right. This restless and thirsting soul is ready for some adventure and originality. Who's with me?