priorities.

This evening I helped a student prepare a debate assignment for her history class tomorrow. The task was to determine the area that she believes most warrants the government's immediate attention and to argue in support of her choice. We read a collection of New York Times editorials supporting myriad topics and selected the one we felt most supported her values. The articles advocated for government focus in areas like job creation, healthcare, environmental protection, and Middle Eastern foreign policy. My student believed that the economy deserved to be the government's number one priority. We spent the rest of the night crafting arguments in support of her conclusion.

The assignment of the evening got me thinking about my own life and how I sometimes feel as though I am being pulled in a thousand different directions. I have so many interests, so many goals, so many items on my to-do list, and like so many others, so little time. My father often laments that he is a "jack of all traits, master of none," and that this sorry fact kept him from being truly successful in any one area. I refuse to doom myself to such a fate but find it is so hard to remain focused on what I truly want (or even to know what I truly want). How can I begin to be a "master" of anything?

So what if I had an assignment of my own - an argument in defense of what area of my life deserves first priority and immediate attention - what would I choose? If I consider what is most important in my life, my loved ones are the first things I think of. I treasure my relationships with Douglas, with my family, with close friends... I would not trade them for the world and they are always at the forefront of my mind. But then I hear my mother's voice in the back of my head telling me that, while relationships are important and deserve my love and attention, I have a tendency to put other's needs before my own and to build my whole life around these relationships. Maybe my focus should be on me and what I want for my own life.

Okay. So, what do I want? If you have been reading this blog for long enough, you know that the answer to that question is everything. I cannot tell you how many times (see: here, or here, or here) I have posted about not having enough time to complete my daily tasks, let alone fulfill my heart's desires. One of the gripes I hear most from people is the never-ending cycle of multitasking that leaves them wiped out every day; the constant list of things to do that get in the way of the meaningful life pursuits. My heart cries out with the same troubles. I am constantly pursuing short term goals and rarely feel like my big-time dreams (a home and family, continued education, a successful writing career) are any closer to becoming a reality. I check off 6,573 items on my to-do list every week - homework, bills, errands, tutoring - but the dreams always linger in the background, somewhere off in the distance just out of reach. I did everything I needed to do to get to point A (a good education, a steady job I enjoy) but now I am ready for point B and I haven't the slightest clue how to get there. So, what is the solution? I need a really good kick in the tush (any takers?).

Tomorrow I am going to post a bucket list, a list of items that I believe absolutely must play a part in the short time I am given on this planet. Lucky for me, I can already check a few of these tasks off my lifelong to-do list (why is it so hard to be satisfied with that?) but my hope is that making this list public will give me that extra push to tenaciously seek what I am after. I want to die with a smile on my face knowing that I pursued all of my passions; I guess it is time to figure out what all of those passions are. Encouragement, collaboration, and financial donations (just kidding) are welcome. Here I go.

What will you prioritize tomorrow?

we can do it?

As a social studies teacher, I get to address some pretty interesting, controversial, and all-around awesome topics in my classroom.  In my sociology course, we just began our unit on gender and sexuality.  This is my first time teaching the course, hence my first time approaching this topic, and I have been counting down to it all year.  I am very interested in gender studies and have become even more intrigued as I have served on a statewide committee for women in education.  I am planning on leading a faculty seminar on women's issues this spring and have been looking forward to sharing and discussing this topic with my students. To my dismay: they just do not seem to care, at least not yet (cue violins). 

There is no doubt that we have "come a long way (baby?)" and should be proud of the advances made by women in America and around the world.  Through both individual and collective efforts, women have made gains politically, economically, and socially, especially since the 1950s.  Can you even imagine living in a society where women cannot vote?  Where they are not allowed to hold political office or seek higher education?  In so many ways I am fortunate to have been born when and where I was.  Thank you, Alice Paul.  Thank you, Eleanor Roosevelt.  Thank you, Betty Friedan.  But I think that sometimes we get caught lingering in the glow of our accomplishments, and quickly forget that there is still much to consider and much to be done.

I'm really disappointed when people mistakenly associate the word "feminist" with male-bashing women who are trying to "destroy the family" or take over the world.  Not to say that after many years of falling victim to perpetual sexual harassment and even a few devastating instances of sexual assault (all while navigating through a world where pornography and air-brushed media are the "norm") that I don't occasionally find myself frustrated with some imaginary, collective group of "men."  But that's not what feminism is.  It's not anti-masculine, it's not anti-family, and it is not something that should be dismissed.  It is about wanting equality, wanting opportunities, and wanting to be viewed as an individual, a human being with talents, rights, and value.  It's about wanting to pursue whatever course you want, without unnecessary roadblocks, resistance, or criticism.  We're told as youngsters that we should dream big, that we can become anything we want.  What they don't tell us, is that following those dreams might mean sacrificing others, or dealing with unexpected obstacles.  As the oldest of five children, I have always been an assertive leader, but I am finding that my leadership isn't respected in many situations.  Even in my career, I am frequently told by students and colleagues alike that it is hard to take a woman seriously as an authority figure.  It has been suggested that I act more "bitchy" or be less "warm" or "cute" if I want people to listen to me.  What message is this really sending?  Are leadership and femininity conflicting terms?  How can I find fulfillment in a role where people do not take me seriously just the way I am?

Sometimes I think that women experience extra pressure for choosing one path and sticking to it.  Are you going to dedicate your life to the family and home or to a career?  Well, what if you want to do both?  What if you want to do EVERYTHING?!  I do not believe our society truly allows for this.  Despite the fact that we still seem to value women most for their sexual and nurturing capabilities, it does not even seem like we give most women the option to be stay-at-home moms anymore.  The only viable options I see for a woman who wants to stay at home with her family is to forego college and hope someone will marry her (or that she's mature enough to know who the "right" person is at such a tender age) or to go ahead and continue her education but be lucky enough to have parents who can pay for it, earn substantial scholarships, or marry someone "rich" enough so she does not have to work a full-time job to pay off her loans.  I have never been someone to sit back and wait around for things to happen, so I got busy doing the things I had dreamed of: college, grad school, traveling... and loved every minute of it.  I have always dreamt of raising a family on my own terms, but that is a dream that requires the participation, love, and commitment of someone else - it's not something you just wait around for.  Now that I am with someone who I know is right for me, the thought of creating and caring for a family crosses my mind on a regular basis, but lately, that dream has felt hopeless.  I am a strong, intelligent young woman and foregoing an education was never an option for me - but does being an educated woman, now saddled with significant debt, mean I will never get the family life I've always wanted?  Was that really something I was expected to figure out when I was eighteen?

So, if we can't be taken seriously in our careers, and if staying home with our family means we may have to give up academic dreams or other personal pursuits, what does this country REALLY want from its women?  I've been thinking about this a lot, especially since my return from Scotland, where a college education is considered an educational right, not a privilege or a sacrifice.  Shouldn't we be promoting a society where individuals can pursue ALL of their dreams, not just pick one?  I don't know.  Sorry, reader, for bombarding you with this complex, confusing assortment of cerebral emanations but I am continually deprived of much-needed intellectual conversation.  While I am still probing my brain for ways I can interest my students on these topics, I decided to use you as my current outlet of frustration.  I think this post is a conglomeration of the inner turmoil I am experiencing over seemingly-insurmountable student loans, apathetic students unfazed by the exploitation of women, and a rapidly approaching 27th birthday (when I have yet to save the world, as planned).  So many things to do, so little time, so little money... where do we go from here?

My gram, working at an army base as a teenager during World War II

My own Rosie the Riveter :)

on seeking contentment...

She says, "But in contentment I still feel

The need of some imperishable bliss."

Death is the mother of beauty; hence from her,

Alone, shall come fulfillment to our dreams

And our desires.

- Wallace Stevens, Sunday Morning

I am fortunate enough to be in the middle of spring break and to have just spent a nice long stretch with Doug and his family, celebrating the Easter holiday and visiting some dear friends.  I am a lucky girl in general: to have my health, my family, my education... to have seen the places I have seen and to have read the books I've read... to be in love with a wonderful man and to have his love in return.  God has been generous to me and I have more than some people could ever dream of, yet I still dream and often find it hard (sometimes almost unbearable) to be happy in the here and now.  This has been a struggle of mine for quite some time and it has become increasingly challenging the older I get.  I am, however, writing this post after what I consider to be a truly revelatory past few days.  I hope that in my new awareness I will be able to start down a path that involves more appreciation for where I am, and I hope that in reading this you might be able to help me down that path...

I love my family.  Each individual in my immediate family (and many in my extended family) has played a part in crafting the creature that I am today and has continuously challenged me to be a better person.  I am forever grateful for their contributions to my life and look with anticipation to the years to come.  This life journey, though, has not been an easy one.  The home of my childhood was one of discontent.  Despite the love, laughter, and emotion that undoubtedly flowed throughout my household when I was young, there lacked a sense of fulfillment that brings safety and security to a young child.  I cannot remember a time when the individuals in my family truly radiated a sense of inner happiness, of contentment with their lives.  It seemed that there was always something missing... the winning lottery ticket, the dream makeover, the new car.  Something was keeping us from having our "perfect" life.  Growing up in such a home, where no one was truly satisfied with how things were - where no one was truly satisfied with me - was difficult.  I began creating my own dream world where I could be happy, where I could escape the disappointment and depression that surrounded me, a place where I brought joy to everyone, where I cared for them and kept them safe.  In doing so, I thought I was finding my own true sense happiness, but what I am realizing now is that I was simply continuing a tradition... of learning to only be happy in a place that does not exist, a place in the future and just out of reach.

Over the years, this dream world evolved.  What started out as a simple hope for a family and a home has become a detailed vision of farms and flowers, babies and holiday feasts, dogs and dresses.  In the best of times, the dream has something to look forward to, the "reward" for my years of hard work.  In the worst of times, it has been the one thing that keeps me going, the light at the end of the tunnel.  Every year of my life that has gone by, every milestone that has been reached, has simply been viewed as one step closer to that dream, the time I will finally be happy.  Other than fleeting moments of joy or peace, I can scarce remember a time that I actually felt content with where I was in life - rather, I have always checked accomplishments off my growing list while impatiently looking ahead to see how much longer I have to go until I have the life I always wanted.  The older I get, the more hopeless I feel - watching friends get married, holding other people's babies in my arms, failing to save money that might bring a house.  It is miserable.  Sometimes the life I want feels so far away, so impossible, that I wish I could just sleep to pass the time rather than wait in agony.

Then came the epiphany.  I must say, I think I am prone to epiphanies.  After a restless night, more than a few tears, a traffic jam, and a good conversation with a friend, it hit me: the problem isn't that the world is not giving me the life I want, it's that I never learned to love the life that I have, which is terribly sad because my life is pretty damn good.  I have never been a patient person, but I am trying so very hard to remind myself that I am the most fortunate person I know.  I am surrounded by people who love me.  I have a great job that allows me to learn something new every day and to help others grow.  I am with a man who completes and compliments me in ways I never thought possible.  No matter what life I end up with, be it the one I have always dreamed of or something completely unimagined, I know I will look back with regret if I do not begin to savor every precious moment that I am given and learn to slow down.  I want to learn, more than anything; the purpose of this post is to help remind me to do so.  One of my friends recently joked to me that the first step in a recovery program is to admit you have a problem.  So, here goes nothing...

My name is Jenna Leigh, and I am a dreamer.  I love dreams, and I believe that everyone should have them, but I dream so much that I do not know how to be happy where I am.  I want to change, and I hope you will help me.  Baby steps :)

Lessons for February

So, for all the new readers who are just joining us (a girl can dream, right?), I am currently student teaching in West Philadelphia. I majored in History as an undergrad, but they deemed me a "Social Studies" teacher, so I ended up teaching Civics and Economics this year... admittedly not my forte, but it has been an interesting challenge. Last week, I was discussing the concept of opportunity cost with my students when it dawned on me, as usual, that there may be more to learn there than simply high school vocabulary.

If you're unfamiliar with the meaning of opportunity cost it is, most basically, the loss experienced when you choose one thing instead of the alternative. In other words, if you have five dollars and you go to the corner market and buy milk, you have essentially "lost" the opportunity of buying eggs or a magazine or something else that could have been of value to you. For the purpose of the lesson, the children simply had to familiarize themselves with the term and its application to economics, but I started to think about all the lost opportunities in my own life. I try very hard not to live with regret, but every so often I wonder what would have happened if I had made different choices or done things differently. What have been the opportunity costs of my life? What would I be now if I hadn't chosen this particular path? What sort of education did I give up when I chose to stay in public school instead of going away to that gifted program? How many loves did I miss out on because I chose to stay in your arms? I suppose the possibilities are endless.

That being said, there is nothing we can do to edit the past or rectify our mistakes so I believe it is pointless to rue. However, I think that the lesson comes in realizing that we make choices every moment we are here on this earth. Every minute is filled with decisions that alter the very courses of our lives. If you use your money to buy magazines or alcohol or the latest gadget, you cannot use it to travel or to donate toward a good cause. If you spend your time watching television, you cannot spend it on good conversation or literature or meditation. Our worlds are riddled with choices and the lost opportunities that come as a result. What will you do with the next five years? What will you do with the next five minutes? I hope you make the right choice.