confessions of an insomniac

So, this is my third night in a row getting little to no sleep. I must say that I am becoming quite tired of it (pun intended). I have yet to determine the cause of my recent slumber-deprived state, but I thought that writing about it might assist me in getting to the root of the problem... I am now approaching the end of my third week at my father's house, a new chapter of life in an old, familiar place. It is not easy living at "home," particularly in my mother's absence, but I feel a strong sense of obligation and necessity to be here. To be completely honest, everyone in my family (including me) is broken in some way, and I believe that our wounds might best be healed together. It is quite possible that I am completely wrong in thinking this but, for better or for worse, I am here now and will be staying for a bit. I am finding, however, that there is so much to do and I feel helpless to do it all in the time I would like. You see, my dear, I am impatient to the hilt and frightfully restless (these things I think you already know) and I do not quite know what to do. After a brutal year of graduate school, I am utterly exhausted and want to do nothing but soak up the sun and read the novels that were collecting dust on my shelves as I was scouring over countless pages in educational journals. And yet, my restive soul aches for adventure, for travels to faraway places and lovers' kisses and foreign food, for meaning and excitement and experience... but every day I wake up and feel the weight of all that is to be done here: the empty bank account that desperately needs replenishing; the house that needs tending; the projects that need completing; the hearts that need mending... And so, every night I find myself reluctantly trudging to bed, trying to feel satisfied with the day's meager accomplishments but finding it nearly impossible to do so. I lie awake with anxious thoughts of time lost and tasks unfinished. It is quite troubling, to tell the truth. Some peace of mind would be heavenly. Any suggestions?

sweet nothings in springtime

I cannot believe that it is already mid-May, reader. I apologize for the extensive hiatus in my writing, but April marched on with such intensity and agony it was a challenge just to catch my breath... research papers, heartache, tearful goodbyes, a graduation... phew! It is overwhelming just to think of the past few weeks and all that has transpired. I am now an Ivy League graduate - a status I have sought after since I was a little girl, yet something that seems fairly meaningless as I lie here in my father's backyard, a topless sunbather watching my rambunctious pup frolic about the lawn in her typical gazelle-like fashion. I feel the weight of my prestigious, overpriced education on my shoulders, the vast array of books and authors, pedagogical philosophies and stratagems neatly tucked away in the appropriate compartments of my mind, but for the moment that all seems trivial. So, what was the point of the past eleven months? The acquisition of glory? Accomplishment? Simply to have my name associated with a distinguished institution? Thankfully, no, although no doubt such a thought crossed my mind a time or two. Luckily for me, despite returning home jobless, partner-less and without a penny in my pocket, I have walked away from my year at Penn with a set of valuable truths I now hold dear to me. I have learned, my love, that I am capable of accomplishing nearly anything to which I set my mind. I have discovered the meaning of a true friend. I have stumbled upon a hidden talent for baking extraordinarily pretty and scrumptious desserts (a faculty I plan on utilizing frequently in the coming years). I have realized the importance of cutting yourself a break every now and again. And, perhaps most importantly, I have learned that in spite of my constant yearning for adventure and new experiences, adventure without purpose is essentially inane. All the escapades and trysts, however exciting or romantic, could never satisfy my desires because what I truly crave most in this world is meaning. Purpose. Depth. No thrill or rush, no matter how strong, is of value to me if it does not bring me closer to the ones I love, or God, or a better understanding of the world. No lover's kiss, no matter how sweet or passionate, is worth it if I have no hand to hold or heart to share... With this in mind, reader, I set out on the eve of summer and my 25th year, to fill these next few months (and why stop there?) with meaningful adventures to share, and to cherish and to learn from. Maybe you will come along. I can only hope.

family matters.

I have come to a crossroad, my friends, and I am not sure which way to turn. As spring approaches, so does my graduation from my Master's program and a series of decisions on where to go from here. I have always been a planner, laying out the next step (and often the 4,598,761 next steps) of my life. This predisposition to schematically determine the course of my life has been both my success and my downfall. On one hand, it has helped me accomplish the many feats of my young life, but on the other, it has caused me to live a good deal of my life strategically rather than impulsively and has been a source of much anxiety in times when the "plan" is threatened. As a proponent of change, I feel as though I have lived much of my life in hypocrisy, clinging to the remains of my life's blueprints even as they crumble before me - holding on to relationships that are broken, dwelling on past mistakes and "could have beens" that can never be undone. And so I have spent the past year of my life, trying hard as I could to go with the flow and live in the moment. I have found, though, that this also takes you only so far, and I rapidly approach this unwanted crossroad where a decision must be made, a path be carved out. For the first time in my life, I am finding myself unsure of which way to go, which path to take. I feel myself being pulled in several directions, each with a vast array of consequences. The choice before me is wrought with emotion... do I choose the preset path I already had laid out for myself or dare to veer off course? If I choose the preordained future, I will be going where my heart longs to be, but I will also be leaving behind people I love desperately, people who need me. My heart will feel a loss either way, so I am not sure what to do. What do you think?

can't get no satisfaction.

Today is a rather crackerjack day in the land of Jenna Leigh. To start, it is snowing out and the School District of Philadelphia beneficently called a snow day for all us tired and overworked school folk (hooray!!) I spent most of my morning cleaning house and being remarkably productive on the home front, eventually to wind up here, in one of my very favorite coffee houses in the world: Milkboy Coffee in Ardmore. I am currently nestled in the corner of the café, enjoying a hot cup of African rooibos and a delicious plate of grilled cheese with pickles (yes, pickles) and Sicilian couscous. As I nibble on my fare, Radiohead's The Bends sounding softly through the speakers overhead, I ponder my existence for a fleeting moment... who am I other than some insignificant being floating in limbo amongst all these strangers sipping their espressos and wiping their mouths with little paper napkins? Am I serving my purpose? What is my purpose, anyway?! Who knows... and this grilled cheese tastes way too good to get lost in a thought like that, anyhow.

So here I am, procrastinating the hours of lesson planning that loom overhead, desperately seeking that spark of inspiration that lingers somewhere in the back of my mind. I can feel it; I can taste it on the back of my tongue but it dances there and taunts me from a distance. By now I am moving on to a hot cappuccino, vindictively injecting my brain with a jolt of caffeine to coerce the creative juices into flowing. The soundtrack above has switched to a live album of Simon and Garfunkel, and I think it better suits my humor, peaceful but with a hint of longing...

I just noticed a couple of male eyes peering at me from over their respective laptop screens. I must say, in my beat-up Lynyrd Skynyrd tee, my skintight AA winter leggings and my mum's old "rocker chick" boots, I do look pretty bad ass (okay, I have to giggle a little at that). It cannot hurt that this morning I officially booked a trip to Scandinavia with my sissy - I am sure my face is glowing with the prospect of travel and new adventures, as it always does on such occasions. I cannot wait for our trip. I am trying so very hard to be content in the here and now but my restless soul cannot help but dream of faraway places. "Cause in my head there's a greyhound station where I send my thoughts to far off destinations so that might have a chance of finding a place where they're far more suited than here..." (Death Cab for Cutie's "Soul Meets Body," but if you didn't already know that you need to open your ears). Hmm... I might just have a photograph I'd like to take to go along with that. It is so... "me." Incessantly wanting more, feeling like I belong somewhere else. How does one go about remedying that? Appeasing a seemingly insatiable appetite for the new, the strange, the exciting? I wish I knew how. I am this fatal combination of the simple and the complicated; someone who wants nothing and everything to do with this world, happy on my own yet desperately seeking communion in this complex, lonely universe. It is a very troublesome sort of person to be, let me tell you. But alas, it is through these eyes and with this heart that I experience this life, and it is at times like these I am so glad I have you, my dear. Thank you for enjoying this lazy snow day with me. Thank you for listening to me when I feel trivial, unimportant and unnoticed. You are my everything.

San Valentino

Today is the first Valentine's Day that I am single in the past ten years. I do not say this with even a hint of sadness or disdain, although I must admit it feels a bit surreal. For as long as I can remember I have defined myself as one half of some sort of couple and this year, well, I am just "me." The day has not been passed with roses and kisses and decadent meals but rather with sweatpants and hot cups of tea and a highlighter in hand as I meticulously pore over countless papers in preparation for my master's thesis - and you know what? I am quite alright with that. Despite not having any particular person here to hold my hand or share my day with, I am in love. I am in love with you. I am in love with my life. I am in love with my family and my friends. I am in love with nature. I am in love with knowledge and with hope and possibility. So while my other "half" lies in a bed far away, not yet discovered, today I feel more complete than I ever have, alone. Happy Valentine's Day, everyone. You are loved :)

Lessons for February

So, for all the new readers who are just joining us (a girl can dream, right?), I am currently student teaching in West Philadelphia. I majored in History as an undergrad, but they deemed me a "Social Studies" teacher, so I ended up teaching Civics and Economics this year... admittedly not my forte, but it has been an interesting challenge. Last week, I was discussing the concept of opportunity cost with my students when it dawned on me, as usual, that there may be more to learn there than simply high school vocabulary.

If you're unfamiliar with the meaning of opportunity cost it is, most basically, the loss experienced when you choose one thing instead of the alternative. In other words, if you have five dollars and you go to the corner market and buy milk, you have essentially "lost" the opportunity of buying eggs or a magazine or something else that could have been of value to you. For the purpose of the lesson, the children simply had to familiarize themselves with the term and its application to economics, but I started to think about all the lost opportunities in my own life. I try very hard not to live with regret, but every so often I wonder what would have happened if I had made different choices or done things differently. What have been the opportunity costs of my life? What would I be now if I hadn't chosen this particular path? What sort of education did I give up when I chose to stay in public school instead of going away to that gifted program? How many loves did I miss out on because I chose to stay in your arms? I suppose the possibilities are endless.

That being said, there is nothing we can do to edit the past or rectify our mistakes so I believe it is pointless to rue. However, I think that the lesson comes in realizing that we make choices every moment we are here on this earth. Every minute is filled with decisions that alter the very courses of our lives. If you use your money to buy magazines or alcohol or the latest gadget, you cannot use it to travel or to donate toward a good cause. If you spend your time watching television, you cannot spend it on good conversation or literature or meditation. Our worlds are riddled with choices and the lost opportunities that come as a result. What will you do with the next five years? What will you do with the next five minutes? I hope you make the right choice.