dream on.

Do you ever just feel so completely overwhelmed with ideas and/or desires that you think your brain might be headed for a meltdown at any moment? Yeah, that is me. One major goal in my life is to learn to live a bit simpler. In a world that says go!go!go! and advocates convenience over quality, I am constantly reminding myself to take deep breaths and remember what is important. I will NOT eat that Kraft macaroni and cheese simply because it is easy. I will NOT buy that poorly-made, mass-produced piece of junk simply because it is cheap.  Local, organic, environmentally-responsible food is a priority to me, and I make room for it in my budget above other things because I value what I put into my body. I will not compromise on the things I feed myself or my loved ones, even if that means I go without other things I might want. For some reason, when it comes to spending money, I have no problems setting priorities and goals... but when I try to apply that same mentality to my own personal dreams and interests my mind seems to malfunction.

American society puts a big emphasis on dreams. I can remember being bombarded with this mantra as a child: dream big. Dare to dream. You can accomplish anything if you set your mind to it. Reach for the stars. I bought into it... maybe too much. Doug and I are both big dreamers. We have aspirations for practically every category of our lives. We share many of those "popular" goals with others, i.e. owning a home, having children, but we also have many (many, many) personal dreams.

Doug, for instance, not only aspires to work in the field of computer science, but he would also like to continue to grow as a musician. He's currently learning guitar and I cannot think of very many instruments that he would not like to learn to play. He would like to play in a band again, once his schedule calms down, and to write music. Doug would like to learn to fly airplanes and to have his own workspace where he can tinker and build things. He wants to climb mountains and see the world. All reasonable goals, I suppose.

I, on the other hand, can barely fit all of my dreams into the space between my ears. I want children, more than Douglas wants, and I want to stay home with them. I want to have a small family farm and learn how the soil, and nature, and the seasons work. I'd like to raise sheep, and bees, too! I want to learn the piano and write folk songs and poetry. I want to CREATE - what, I don't know yet - photography, pottery, watercolors, the perfect banana bread... all things I have yet to learn. I want to perfect my Spanish and my Italian and learn to speak French. I want to know sign language. I want to earn my PhD and teach. I want to take yoga classes and keep my 24" waistline until I'm 70 years old. I want to own my own business and be featured on someone's blog. I dream of owning a sailboat and taking my family along the coastline in the summertime. I want to read books, lots of books, and to be published. I want to sing in a band and to explore exotic places. I want to knit scarves and mittens, make quilts, and spend afternoons at the library before going home to cook dinner for my family.

I know that all of my ambitions are not possible; that I haven't the time or means to do everything it is I dream of doing. Life is short, and success is about prioritizing. What I really want is a simple life, full of love, doing the things I am meant to do. But what am I meant to do?! When I think about settling down on the things I really want to do, I draw a blank. Other than starting a family, I am not driven to do one thing more than another - I want it all! So how does one go about finding one's true passions? How does one discover one's talents when there are so many things to try and so little time to try them? Where does one start?

Today's photo challenge was "hope." I decided to snap a picture of my sneakers, because tonight, as I trudge to the gym, they are my vehicle of hope... hope that I will reach my goals. Hope that I will find peace of mind in the path that I choose - hope I will even know what path that is. Hope that I can burn off the brownies they so cruelly served at today's faculty meeting. Here's hoping!

have some fun! you deserve it.

out of doors.

Don't you just love being outside? The overbooked schedule and extra-frigid days of the past couple weeks have me longing for warm sunshine and fresh air. Doug and I have ventured outside to the local state park a few times this January, but the bitter cold sends us (okay, me) back indoors much sooner than I would like. These are a few of our frosty sights during our brief outdoor exploits: tenacious evergreens laughing at their deciduous kin; wispy grasses quivering in the icy air; vibrant mosses clinging to the decaying forest. Nature is so inspiring. How do I let myself forget that, even for a minute?

Below is a photograph from the same park where Douglas and I steal a little bit of peace of mind from time to time (and maybe some branches for Doug's arrow ambitions) except this time with lace dresses and tanned skin rather than woolen layers and runny noses. Somebody let me out - springtime adventures are calling my name!

updates.

So much to do, so little time. That seems to be the quote of my life!

2013 is starting off in a busy, boisterous, bustling fashion... not that I am complaining :) I am finally back on my feet and seem to have kicked the remnants of the nasty cold that had been clinging to me since Christmas. A juice fast and daily vitamins have done the trick, or at least so it appears. There are so many things going on - exciting, stressful, encouraging, challenging - and I cannot wait to share them with you!

Douglas is back in school, the start of his senior year, and the work has already started piling on. He was recently asked to be a teacher's assistant for an algorithms class and we are already realizing how much extra effort and focus that is going to require this semester. I am so very proud of him. Before I met Doug, I had always thought that I was "good at math"; I made it through Calculus I and II (at least, the Liberal Arts version of those courses) and I have been a math tutor for calculus and algebra... then I caught a glimpse of some of the work Doug is expected to do for his computer science degree. It is no joke, let me tell you: terms and symbols I have never heard of or seen before, complex equations that take days to solve, concepts that I cannot even begin to wrap my brain around. Despite the difficulty of the work he encounters, Doug approaches everything he has to do with discipline and direction. His dedication to his studies is truly admirable. Way to go, baby!

I am slowly making it through my least favorite time of the school year: midterm. Not only does the dreadful end of second quarter mean examinations and essays to prepare and grade, but I also have to do course recommendations for next year - one of my least favorite experiences in the entire world! The good news is that in one more week it will all be over and done with, and I will be off on my merry teacher way once again. In the meantime, I apologize for the lack of posts.

So many new projects are piling up on this little lady's desk. My tutoring schedule is completely booked, which has taken up most of my free time lately (I am not complaining though, it has been a financial blessing), and I am gearing up to begin practices for African American - Latino Festival, a performance based club I am supervising for the first time. I have several photography projects I would like to pursue, so I am itching for warmer weather and the chance to spend more time outdoors. Douglas and I purchased a new blog domain, and I am hoping to start some web design and get that whole project up and running soon (more details to come). My apartment also needs attention; I have been brainstorming some organization and decoration ideas that I would like to see into fruition (does anyone know how to make a slipcover for a sofa?) I also have a trip or two in the works. In a few weeks I will be popping over to Arizona for a couple days to visit my dear friend, Renée, before she gives birth to her first child this spring. So much is going on, so much to be thankful for and excited about.

I appreciate your patience during one of my most infrequent posting times of the year. You guys are the best!

Me being, you know, me :)

diary of a twenty-something teacher, part iii

I have to be honest, I was not going to post tonight. This week is one of those jam-packed, in-over-my-head, what-did-I-get-myself-into sort of weeks and I have not been taking it very well thus far. Usually when I am feeling overwhelmingly negative I run and hide from the world, revealing my inner despair only to my poor sissy and dearest Douglas, who have to listen to my overwhelming, overreactive interpretations of my crazy, chaotic, calamitous (perfectly normal) life. I try to keep this blog upbeat and inspiration, if only for myself, and avoid sharing on those days when I feel like the roof is caving in (most of the time)... but this evening I started thinking that, perhaps, my avoidance of writing when I am feeling overly-anxious is really just another way of allowing myself to wallow in my sadness and self-pity and avoid facing the fact that things really aren't that bad. I reminded myself that I absolutely love writing this blog, and I absolutely should not avoid the things that I love, especially not in some sorry attempt at self-preservation.

So, here is a confession, readers, think of me what you will: today I spent practically the entire day feeling sorry for myself. I am tired. I am stressed out. I miss my boyfriend. I am eating my feelings. This morning I woke up, after receiving fairly little sleep, to hurry off to work in preparation for my final formal observation of the year. I worked straight through lunch, supervising one of my many clubs, and finished the day only to scramble out the door to a meeting with the superintendent. After that I downed a coffee on my way back to meet foreign exchange students, who just arrived as part of another club activity, to ensure their proper arrival with their host families. Then it was off to pay for the pizzas that my club will be eating as part of a reception during lunch tomorrow and to the market to chow down on some dinner before two and a half hours of tutoring. I arrived home at 9 p.m., exhausted, with three stacks of assignments to grade, a quiz to create for tomorrow, and a need for several articles for a very difficult lesson I will be teaching (also tomorrow). I am also still struggling with the tail end of this illness. Teaching is no joke, let me tell you.

And here I am in my beloved bed, laptop propped up on my knees, reflecting on the last twenty-four hours. About an hour ago I was ready to go to sleep feeling absolutely horrible about my overly-busy day: all the things I had to get done, all the things still left to do, and the lack of time for myself. Now that I am actually thinking about it, however, today was not the disaster I was trying to convince myself it was. Yes, I am tired, and no, I did not have time to get to the gym or take photographs or to cook my dinner from scratch... but overall, today was pretty successful. I gave a solid lesson for the school principal today and had fun doing it (I even danced a few times). I put to rest any fears about the superintendent's observation from a few weeks past and got reassurance that sometimes I actually know what I am doing. I met a few wonderful people today and will get to spend the next few weeks learning about them and their culture. I made a little extra much-needed money. Doug's sister, Janine, sent me a picture of my man hard at work on his new bow, and I was reminded that I am madly in love with someone and, even better, he loves me, too. And, most importantly: I survived the day. So, really, when I actually force myself to think about it, today was pretty awesome. If I let it, I think tomorrow will be, too.

I am perpetually failing, but I am perpetually picking myself up and trying again as well... and that is something worth writing about.

go-go.

I am a girl you will usually find dressed in quirky school teacher outfits or simple jeans and a t-shirt on days when I do not have to play grown-up. I like to keep it simple and flexible... not to mention the fact that, klutz that I am, I usually cannot go five minutes without spilling something on my clothing. That being said, I still love getting dressed up every once in a while. I was so happy that Doug and I finally got a chance to go out for a nice dinner this weekend, giving me the excuse to get a little dolled up. I have not been shopping for myself for months, so I just threw on "some old thing," but I still had fun twirling around my room and feeling extra pretty for the evening. I ended up looking a bit like a go-go dancer in my minidress and tall black boots, but I was loving every minute of it. I think Doug should take me out more often so I can get dressed up again. Wink, wink ;)